My First Time


I’ve come to realize that every decision that I make either rests on beams of support, or falls into the ditch of doubt. No decision of mine has the luxury of floating on the grey, chilled winds of opportunity. I’ve also come to realize that I can never figure out what side I’m on until I’ve written it all down. That said, I’ve decided (in secret) to chronicle my decisions here. Let me give you an example of the kinds of decisions I’m talking about.

At 19 years old I told my then boyfriend of 1 month that I was pregnant — and keeping it. My family were the beams of support, and his, well, I’m sure you can figure that out.

Ever since that day, our daughter Leeana (now 6 years old) has been the only true measure of the quality of the decisions that I make. So far she is a polite, very mature, even-tempered girl who is at the top of her class, reads well beyond her grade level and can sew her own clothes. She’s a God-send.

I wish that that were enough for me to be confident in my decisions, but in truth, I sometimes feel that I may have just gotten lucky with this one.

Not too long ago, a long time friend of mine came by my house with her two children. Let me first state that this friend is something of a child whisperer. She is the oldest of 5 children, and a teacher by both nature and profession. She has a daughter who is one of the most well behaved children you could ever meet. Her son, however, doesn’t seem as well-adjusted. To make a long story short, he climbed on my coffee table and threw his socks at my face. When she told him that throwing socks was not nice, he tried to swallow them.

Had my friend not had a second child, some may have questioned her ability to make good parenting decisions. They might have believed that there was something wrong at home, or that she just never taught the boy right from wrong.

“You’re lucky with that one,” she nodded toward my daughter on her way out. “Just don’t have a boy.”

The thought of another child potentially revealing the truth about my inability to make a good decision if a million dollars depended on it, has lead me to keep my IUD nice and snug in it’s spot for the past 6 years.

Everything that I’m doing for the first time (putting Leeana through school, disciplining, etc.) I may also be doing for the last.

So, if nothing else, I hope that this blog will provide some fun, light reading once I can replace my glasses with hindsight. Maybe it’ll even provide some hidden insights along the way.

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